My Bush SOTU Kiss-Off

I didn't watch the address. Who could possibly bear that? I know some stalwarts looking forward to the return of democracy, rabid anti-anti-intellectualists, even triumph of reason types were probably compelled to watch it. But I already knew how it was going to go. "I'm okay, you're better off, and if you're not I'm not talking to you anyway."

Here's how it should have gone:
"My fellow Americans, the state of our union is stronger than ever for our ruling class. We have stirred the pot and left it to the market. And we have seen what over a decade of unrestrained Republican libido can achieve. We have held our ground against those who would invest in the health of Americans at the expense of my core constituency, namely the financial services community who underwrote both my presidential and previous campaigns, the healthcare industry, the automotive industry, the public utilities and indeed even our homeowner industry, in the interest of keeping the economy working for the financial services industry owners.

"My fellow Americans, Iraq is a cluster-fuck. I regard it as my only failure that Iran couldn't be drawn into the open there, despite zero barriers and no borders for the first four years of this 90-day war. We found their droppings, their serial numbers on the IEDs, their mullahs and puppets running the ghettoes there, setting up health care and public works projects in their evil axis-like way. But unable to draw them into a fair and square honorable fight on the streets and plains of Iraq, we've had to resort to passive aggression against them, in the form of empty warnings and long-distance pissing contests with people we've never actually seen. Boy, I'd love to smack that Mahamanamanamama mima Jod in the puss, but you see he isn't even the real president there. The Ayatollah is.

"So where has the Iraq mess succeeded? Well, we've enriched the US Mercenary community. And we've padded the balance sheets of some of the biggest Bermuda-banking construction firms specializing in nucular and oil. But best of all, we've succeeded in exporting 30,000 additional American soldiers against the objections of the entire country, except for John McCain.

"I credit this 'surge' of force with the newly-established peace in Iraq, where the only hotbeds of violence are in Baghdad and Mosul. Ethnic cleansing and vendettas pretty well completed, there was no longer reason for unrestrained violence and bloodshed, and coupled with the US military knocking down doors provided cover for the evil-doers to back down like sissies.

"North Korea, well, how about Russia... Poland is... much of the world is beyond our influence now. But we successfully shifted the blame for the first recession of my presidency from the stock market and financial services richies onto the college kids and their newfangled 'internet', which obviously didn't work. And now we're working hard to shift the blame for the second recession of my presidency from the financial services industry onto the unqualified homeowner.

"It's hard work being the CEO President, hard to not know what's being told to you, hard to focus on your supporters in the face of so much need. But that's why our new economic stimulus package is so important. The slowing of growth in the financial services sector of the economy means that nothing is growing, since that and the government sector have been the only sources for economic growth since my installation by the lawyers and litigators.

"Passing this dog without reading so much means the Chinese get another block of shares, but also that when you all spend your $600, or whatever, the owners of Visa and Mastercard will get about 5%, and at $150,000,000,000, that's over $7,000,000,000 for the owners of the brand on your debit card. And that's who this economy is really all about. Let's have a round of applause for our financial patrons.

"But my fellow Americans, let us not forget the way I've fanned the flames of muddied waters by funneling piles- buckets and bales of US currency into the hands of private religious consortiums, who so stridently fight for the right to discriminate against minority lifestyles. Who so vehemently oppose scientistic explanation of evolution and disease.

"And never forget our victory over privacy, in the interest of protecting our private property from terrorists- but not from terror itself. If we don't immunize telecom giants from litigation at the hands of lawyers and the ACLU, we can abandon all hope they'll ever set up giant eavesdropping programs on our behalf again.

"But when you list the achievements of my administrations, don't forget how hard I've worked to soften work rules and protections for the rights of Americans to work at their chosen job for honest pay and quality of life, without allowing the Detroit automotive fossil to be properly buried in accordance with the will of the market."